From the Author of
-How To Make People LIKE YOU In 90 Seconds Or Less-NICHOLAS BOOTHMAN
A Fabulous First Impression
What makes a star a star? I don’t just mean stars of stage or screen, but those people you see at a party or down at the garden center who attract and hold your attention longer than the average person—the ones you look at and somehow you want to be with them. What is it that attracts you to them? Is it the way they dress, the way they stand and move, or something ineffable they give off that creates this impression?
We've all heard the phrase “You never get a second chance to make a first impression,” and it’s true. People make judgments about you the moment they see you—and just because
you haven’t seen them doesn't mean they haven’t noticed you. You don’t have to be a star, but it won’t hurt to have a little bit of star quality to help ensure that your first impression is working for you. That means you need to leave your house feeling good about yourself and the way you’re dressed and to stay that way while you’re in public. Because what people respond to when they see you for the first time, before you even open your mouth, are your attitude and your clothes.
A First Impression Begins with Attitude
Alicia, Dennis, and Naomi arrive at the same time to a gala fund-raiser at Boston’s Copley Plaza Hotel. The organizers are expecting at least two dozen celebrities,500 other guests, and the usual bevy of local media.
As the three enter the ballroom, their body language speaks volumes—three different volumes. Alicia is obviously there to enjoy herself. She’s smiling, looking around, and walking tall. She appears natural and happy—she looks like fun. She scans the crowd, spots a friend, and makes her way purpose-fully toward her. Dennis, on the other hand, looks around skeptically, like he’d rather be anywhere else but here. He has his hands in his pockets, and if you had to guess what he’s thinking, it would probably be, “What a load of bozos. How long before I can escape?” Naomi enters with a forced smile on her face but stops a few steps into the room. Her shoulders droop as she begins to psych herself out, and she looks like she’s scanning for the closest corner to hide in.
Notice I kept using the word looks. That’s what first impressions are based on: looks. And notice how their attitudes are apparent, too, when they enter the room. Dozens of people have seen them already, but only one, Alicia, has turned heads and made a good impression.
You can spot someone’s attitude from half a block away.
You can spot someone’s attitude from half a block away,from the middle of a subway train, from the other side of a shop, or from the moment someone steps in the room. In my days as a fashion photographer we’d schedule one Friday a month for “go sees.” This was when my staff and I, and sometimes my clients, would see 30 or 40 new models, male and female. Each one would get about five minutes to say a few words and show us their portfolio.In truth, though, we never needed five minutes. Five seconds was more like it.The moment a new face stepped into the room we knew whether or not the person had what it takes. When we’d discuss the session among ourselves afterwards we didn’t talk as much about individual features as we did about mood, or attitude.“Jane was peppy.” “Mark looked kind of dramatic.” “Dana looked dangerous.” In that business—the business of first impressions—you can be the most gorgeous creature in theworld, but if you don’t have the right attitude, you don’thave what it takes. And we could spot attitude in a flash—everybody can, and everybody does. Attitude is such a influential part of a first impression that my assistant made up a sign and hung it outside the studio door on go see days. It read, “When you go through this door, it’s your attitude more than anything else that’ll make you or break you.”
“Hi” and “Bye” Attitudes
There are two distinct classes of attitude—those that attract and those that repel. When you see someone who’s happy, confident, and relaxed you’re likely to be attracted to him or her. These are appealing “Hi!” attitudes.The opposite is true for someone who seems arrogant,gloomy, tense, angry, or dejected. No-one wants to hang out with gloomy or irritated people because sooner or later they sap all your energy. They have “Bye” attitudes. The key to opening yourself up socially is to leave your gloomy side alone and consciously choose to look on the bright side—the side that gives you unlimited access to opportunity. The good thing about attitude is you can adjust it whenever you want and buzz yourself up to the top of your game.All it takes is practice. Think about a time when you felt great. Perhaps it was when you accomplished something important to you—maybe you won a race or gave a great speech or scored a goal. Or it may simply have been a time when you were enjoying the company of friends or family,or the late afternoon light of a summer day, or when you justfelt truly yourself. Whatever it was, relive it in your mind in as much detail as possible, and once it’s so clear that you could almost reach out and touch it, connect it in your mind with a trigger word so you can summon that feeling again at will. Plenty of actors, TV personalities, and fashion models have trigger words or phrases to get them in the mood. Some will say “showtime” just as they head out into the spot light and their whole being changes. They are “on”—they almost literally switch on a bright, energetic attitude.You can do the same. On page 108 in this chapter there’s an exercise that will teach you to do this simply and easily.
Attitudes Are Contagious
Have you ever noticed when you’re in a group, if someone tells a joke and one person starts genuinely laughing, the others start laughing too, even if the joke’s not all that funny? The same happens with tension and sadness.That’s because, as a species, we’re hard wired to relate to the feelings and emotions that other people give off. This helps us adapt and fit into our environment. It works like this: If I smile at you, you’ll feel inclined to reciprocate and smile back. In much the same way, if I look at you dismissively and then avert my eyes, you’ll probably respond in kind. If I sigh, you feel it. If you laugh, I feel it.Attitudes are contagious. They are, in fact, big bundles of feelings projected through body language, tone of voice,and the words you choose. When you’re angry, you look angry, you sound angry, you use angry words—and it makes other people feel uncomfortable.
Conversely, when you’re playful, you look playful, you sound playful, you use playful words—and it makes other people feel playful. Ditto for enthusiastic, or sexy, or any other mood.This is the bad news and the good news all rolled into one. The bad part is that someone’s miserable attitude can make everyone around them feel equally miserable. But, by the same token, a joyful attitude can make others feel joyful.You can make the most of this infectiousness, adjusting your attitude to drive others’ behavior. Be joyful and your upbeat mood will rub off on others.
How to Slip into an Attitude
Without the right attitude, you’re not going to get veryfar in attracting your matched opposite, or any one else for that matter. To achieve the results you want, youmust think, walk, talk, and act in such a way that the best and
most attractive parts of your personality come out. Is your best nature funny and warm, sexy and confident, relaxed and reassuring? Make sure people know it. But remember, yourbody and mind are part of the same system and you can’t hope to control one without the other. Sure, you can tell your face to smile, but it won’t come off as genuine unless you first adopt the right attitude to put you in the mood.
So how do you go about adopting a “Hi!” attitude? It’snot like a piece of clothing that you can just slip on and off at will, right? Actually, it is! In a moment I’ll show you howto do it, but first I want you to answer these five questions.
- Where is the milk in your refrigerator?
- Is your favorite piece of music fast or slow paced?
- What does sand feel like?
- Does hot bread smell different from warm bread?
- Do you prefer the taste of lemon or lime?
To answer these questions, you had to play back information that had been collected by your senses in the past and stored away. To locate the milk in your fridge, you made a mental picture and saw it there. To determine the pace of your music, you played part of it in your mind. You ran sand through your fingers, took imaginary sniffs of the bread, and had a quick mental taste of the lemon and lime. Psychologists believe that our subconscious mind doesn't the difference between something real and something vividly imagined—for example, imagine biting into a lime and you’ll actually salivate. During the following exercise I’m going to ask you to make a picture in your mind. Don’t expect to see Technicolor billboards right away. At first, your pictures will be as good as the one you made to locate the milk in your fridge.
Getting in the Mood
Choose one of the following attitudes: warm, playful,confident, or curious.
Say you chose confident. Now close your eyes and think of a specific moment in time when you felt the most confident you ever have—totally in control and knowing exactly what to do. Relive what you saw,heard, felt, and maybe even smelled and tasted at that moment, in as much detail as you can.
First, watch the scene unfold as if it were a movie. Look around and see what’s going on in detail. Listen to all the different sounds. When you have the sights and sounds in focus, step into the picture. Instead of watching the movie,you’re now in it. Notice the foreground, the middle ground,and the background. Make the colors bright and sharp and colorful. Bring up the sounds in detail—notice which direction they come from. Are they harsh or sweet? If there are smells and tastes, bring them in too, to make the most complete picture possible. Make it as real as you can.Now at tune yourself to the external physical sensations—the air temperature, the feel of your clothing,your feet, your glasses, your belt. Explore and relive whatever external sensations you can.
Now bring your attention to your internal feelings.Focus on your confidence. Notice where you feel it—inyour tummy? Your shoulders? Your chest? Feel your pos-ture. Are you standing tall? Is your head held high?
Take ownership of these feelings and pump them up.Make them bigger, stronger, brighter, and more intense—and then double them. Then double them again.
When you’re bursting with the image, yell the word“Great!” in your mind three times. “Great, great, great!”Then again, “Great, great, great!” And a third time,“Great, great, great!”When you are ready, open your eyes and savor thefeeling. The exercise you have just done is a powerfulone—but it’s also very simple. You just relived, in detail,a time when you felt good, and now, when you say“Great!” three times to yourself, you can bring itwhooshing back into the front of your mind anytime youlike. Before you close your eyes and do the exerciseagain, make sure you memorize the four simple stages:
- Play the movie.
- Step in to see, hear, and feel it.
- Pump up the sensations.
- Yell “Great!” three times in your mind.
Standing Tall, Feeling Terrific
Research shows that the single most important attributewe all subconsciously seek in a potential mate is good health. This goes back to our earliest ancestors, and the desireto be fruitful and multiply: Females wanted clever hunters and strong protectors; males wanted mates able to bear healthy children. One way we determine health is by posture: Someone who’s standing tall looks healthy and strong, ready to face the world. Your posture signals volumes about your physical and emotional health and vitality, and it does so in a flash.Stand tall and you’ll feel emotionally tall. Send the crown of your head to the sky, move your shoulder blades down and slightly back, and you’ll feel on top of your game. Just as thoughts and emotions influence each other, so do body and mind. If you feel sad, chances are you’ll be sitting slumped,with your head bowed and mouth turned down. If you feel happy, you’ll be walking tall, head up and smiling.But the reverse is also true: Physical attitudes influence moods! You can’t feel happy while you sit in that slump with your mouth curled downwards (try it, it’s true!) and you can’t feel sad while you leap in the air with a big grin on your face. Your body just won’t allow it. When you adjust your posture to upright and proud, your body will generate feelings of self-confidence, courage, and even sex-iness. Let good posture enhance your desirability.
If you want to move on to some advanced poise and pos-ture work, take dance lessons. Dancing benefits you in myriadways. You gain strength, grace, and rhythm; it works wondersfor your posture and gets you in touch with your body; and it helps boost your confidence, on the dance floor and off.
Here’s Looking at You
So, you've got a great attitude, you’re standing tall,you’re just about ready now to go out and find your soul mate, right? There’s only one thing we have to check beforeyou head out the door: Just what is that you’re wearing?
Exercise: Poise, Pace, and Posture
Poise simply means to move with quiet confidence andgrace. It is self-assuredness, not arrogance, and it’s allabout posture and pace. It’s sexy and attractive, it turnsheads and helps you control a room, and it all beginswith excellent posture. Take a few minutes to go throughthis activity and then practice it regularly. Before youknow it, poise will be a part of who you are.It may seem corny, but modeling schools have an exercise that they've used for years, making both male and female students do it from day one. It’s simple, andit works.
- Put a dictionary on your head.
- Walk around the room. It should take you about ten minutes to get used to the position and the balance of it.
- Go in and out of doors, opening and closing them behind you.
- With the book still balanced on your head, go up and down stairs.
- Sit down, count to five, and stand up. Go to another chair and repeat.
- During each stage, pause, close your eyes, and focus on your posture—on what it feels like, on how you’re holding your shoulders, your hips, your feet. Notice how calm your pace is and how graceful your overall carriage.
- This is where you graduate: Drink a cup of tea or coffee with the dictionary still on your head, and promise yourself that from this moment on, whenever you see, drink, or think about tea or coffee, you’ll imagine that big book of words is on your head and adjust your posture and pace accordingly.Setting the dictionary aside, practice carrying yourself with grace and poise all the time—while you’re walking the dog, while you’re stuck in traffic, while you’re wait-ing in line or watching TV.
If the first thing someone notices about you is your attitude, the second is your clothes. In fact, the impact is made so quickly it’s as if they see both things at the same time,and then form their first impressions about you. Your clothing speaks volumes. It tells people what kind of personyou see yourself as. It also can reveal a lot about your socioeconomic status, whether you’re conventional or flamboyant, sexy or modest, trendy or traditional. Take a good hardlook at your wardrobe and see if it makes the statement you want. Many of us are creatures of habit and we wear whatwe’ve always worn. But is the look you adopted 15 years ago (or more) still appropriate for you now?
Wearing attractive clothes with confidence makes you feel different about yourself and makes other people respond differently to you.
Coco Chanel once said, “Dress poorly, and people will notice your clothes; dress well, and people will notice you.”Ask yourself: What do I want my clothing to communicate to others? Is there an aspect of my personality that I want to emphasize? Does my current wardrobe do the job? Take into account your physical characteristics and make sure the image you want to create works with them.Get into the habit of looking your best when you go out. I’m not talking about always being perfectly coiffed and made up or wearing your fanciest duds. Rather, I mean you should dress so you feelattractive—so that if youran into an old friend you hadn't seen for years,you’d feel that you looked fine. We’re making first impressions all the time, and you never know whom you might meet.Wearing attractive clothes with confidence makes you feel different about yourself and makes other people respond differently to you. The way we dress influences our behavior and attitude, and that in turn influences other people. The bottom line with clothes, as with other forms of packaging, is the better you dress, the more seriously people will treat you. That said, make sure that you’re comfortable in your clothes, and that they convey the real you at your best. If you adopt a look for the sake of fashion but it makes you feel uncomfortable, keep experimenting until you get to a look that feels right. Remember, people will sense your discomfort just as clearly as they see your clothes.
Also bear in mind that dressing well depends on the context of the situation and who it is you want to attract. If you’re looking to impress the attractive woman with the designer sun glasses in the new Mercedes, chances are you’re not going to do it in cutoff jeans and hiking boots. On theother hand, if you’ve fallen for a wilderness guide, then that ensemble might be just the ticket.
Seven Keys to Dressing Well
Clothes are far too personal an issue for me to give specificadvice that would work for everyone. Instead, here are seven key points, based on what I learned in my years in thefashion industry, that will help make your clothes work for you.None of this is new: It’s tried and true, and it works. Above all,remember the golden rule: Keep it clean and simple.
1. Wear Clothes That Fit
Many people wear clothes that don’t fit correctly—they’re alittle too big, a little too small, not the right shape, a bit too short, a tad too long. But fit makes all the difference. The goal
is for your clothes to skim your body and hang well. Remember, size doesn't matter; fit matters. If you’re not sure whether your clothes fit correctly, ask friends. If you’re shopping, ask the sales help. A well fitting, tailored jacket is the ultimate power garment for every wardrobe. Be honest with yourself. If you need help, ask a good tailor or dressmaker.
2. Accessories Make a Big Difference
The right accessory can make you look better dressed than you are. If you can’t afford the most expensive and best qual-ity when it comes to your wardrobe, splurge on accessories.
Buy the very best belt, shoes, purse, or scarf that you canafford. And remember, don’t overdo it. Let one or two carefully chosen accessories make your statement. You want to avoid superficial distractions. The same goes for your jewelry—for men, a tasteful watch is all you need. For women, asimple necklace and carefully chosen earrings and you’re set.If you want to wear more, just make sure that all your piecesare working together. In the end, you want to be remembered for your conversation, rather than for what you’re wearing.
3. Make Sure Your Clothes Aren't Out of Date
The upside of following trends—that you look fresh, tunedin, and of the moment—is also its downside. When your clothes are out of date, you are out of date. So if you’regoing to wear up-to-the-minute fashion, stay abreast of the fads. Otherwise stick with more traditional fare. Or invest in some classics along with your “now” pieces so you don’thave to replace your wardrobe every season.
4. Wear a Well-Coordinated Outfit
Make sure your clothes blend well together—and I don’tmean simply avoiding pairing green and yellow stripes with pink and purple polka dots. Make sure your fabrics, colors,and styles all match; that they blend well together and arein the same family of casual or formal. And don’t forget to factor in your accessories: A too casual belt or pair of shoes can throw off an otherwise perfect outfit. The idea is to attract, not distract. If you’re in doubt about your look, ask for help. You’ll get it for free at any decent clothing store.
5. Dress for the Occasion
If you have trouble deciding what to wear, it’s better to be slightly overdressed than underdressed. When in doubt,choose an out fit that you can dress up or down with jewelry,a scarf, or a jacket. That said, the best thing is to determine in advance what clothing would be most appropriate for where you’re going. Call your host or hostess, or, if it’s arestaurant, poke your head in a few evenings before and check out what the patrons are wearing.
6. Make Sure Your Clothes Are Clean
This sounds so obvious, but it’s important. Really check forsubtle stains and spots. Sometimes you don’t realize thatyou put your elbow in the chocolate mousse the last timeyou wore that sweater, or that a drip of coffee fell in the lapof those gray pants, or that your favorite white shirt has finally gotten too gray to wear. Check your shoes as well,making sure they’re clean and polished.
7. Pay Attention to Your Grooming
Make sure your hair is well groomed (and not growing whereit shouldn’t) and your nails are clean and manicured. The last thing you need is a potential date staring at your fingernails while you talk. Pay attention to oral hygiene—there’s no bigger turnoff than getting a waft of secondhand cabbage or cigarette breath. Be clean and sweet smelling, but don’t overdo the perfume or after-shave. And remember, women generally have a better sense of smell than men.
Looking for Your Look
If you think your image or style (or lack of one) could do with a boost, then keep an active eye out for looks that might work for you. Begin by noticing what the people around you are wearing, paying particular attention to those whose style appeals to you. Take a look at catalogs andfashion magazines, do some window shopping, and browse clothing store racks. Start to notice which people on the street catch your eye—how are they dressed?Choose clothes you feel comfortable in, but also that really flatter you and project the image of your best self.Some of us dress to blend in, and while that’s okay, you can also add a little flair that expresses your personality and makes you feel adventurous. Sometimes an interesting accessory can add a little oomph and also be a conversationstarter. For example, my wife wears hand-painted reading glasses and people are always asking her about them.If you don’t have a strong image of yourself and you feel you need help, hire a consultant or go to a good store (you
don’t have to buy anything), try on stuff, and get opinions—lots of them. Many high-end department stores provide in-house personal shoppers gratis. These people are there to help you find the right look. Be sure to brief them well, giv-ing them a sense of what type of person you are. The Wall Street look may make you look dynamic in the mirror, but if you’re a sheep farmer it will eventually back fire because it’snot the real you.
The Total Package
In the world of advertising an “impression” is counted as a single exposure to a product. Advertisers pay fortunes to get their products out into the marketplace in the hope that their low-fat waffles, turbocharged riding mowers, or irresistible lipstick flavors will garner lots of favorableimpressions. They know that a good first impression means the difference between a consumer giving their product a tryor giving it a pass.Your irresistible first impression, your star power, is not going to be determined by TV commercials, glossy advertisements, or raving testimonials but by your attitude, yourpoise, and your wardrobe. Enhancing and focusing on these important aspects of your image will do more than boostyour chances in the love market, it’ll also boost the way you feel about yourself. When we feel good about ourselves it affects everything. We make better decisions, feel more adventurous, have more energy, and tap into our natural enthusiasm, all of which impacts the nonverbal signals we send out to others. Being on top of our game means other swill want to join in and play.
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